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Relationship

Emily

Singapore

More Than Just Our Circumstances

Growing up, everything was quite normal, though my family moved around a lot. But things started to get messy in my teenage years. Nearing my N-Level, my dad had just been released from prison after 2 and a half years, and my parents filed for a divorce which I didn’t know about. On the morning of my N-Level maths paper, my dad simply told me the divorce was official.

Later, I came home and found out that my dad bought a one-way ticket for my mom and sister back to Thailand (my mom was Thai). I struggled to get along with my father after that; it was like two strangers trying to live together. Even though my mother and sister did return eventually, it was a really confusing and lonely period for me.

At the age of 22, I was sexually assaulted when I was out with a friend, and shortly after, I became pregnant - that’s how I ended up with my first son, Kyle. I was afraid to tell my mom the truth, I thought perhaps, she wouldn’t believe me so I just told her the child was my ex-boyfriend’s. She bought this lie to this day. Though our relationship is very strained, she does dote on Kyle and cares for him.

A while later, I entered a serious relationship and became pregnant again. But 6 months into the pregnancy, my boyfriend decided he didn’t want a child and gave me an ultimatum: either I harm myself to cause a miscarriage (since it was too late for an abortion) or to get out of his life. When I chose my son and said I would leave, he started to physically abuse me. That’s when I ran away. I didn’t really have anywhere to go, so I just fled to East Coast Park because I thought he wouldn’t be able to find me there. I stayed there for almost 3 weeks. I would just eat leftover scraps from BBQ pits or ask for some food from those who were there eating. It was my lowest point, but I just did what I had to do to survive. When you need to survive, you don’t see the shame in it anymore.

Finally, a friend found out about my situation and put me up at an empty property he owed for a while and even helped me get a job at Shaw cinema doing customer service. Since then, I’ve slowly worked my way up.

I am now 27-year-old. I still work shifts at Shaw cinema and live in a 1-room rental flat at Sumang Walk with my younger son, Kieran, while Kyle lives with my mother. Kyle only stays with me once in a while due to space constraints.

On good months, if all goes well, I make just enough to cover our monthly expenditures. But on bad months when my children fall sick, the struggles become overwhelming. I do get some assistance from certain organizations like the Social Service Office. For example, my flat rental and Kieran’s childcare fees are subsidized. But it can still be quite difficult. On average, I earn about $600 a month before CPF (Central Provident Fund) contributions; my hourly pay is $6. Sometimes, I try to work more shifts but I still need to rest and take care of my kids. Each month, I have to set aside about $100 for bills, and $250 or so for groceries which includes diapers and milk for Kieran. There is never extra for any future planning to be done.

Sometimes, I face quite a bit of discrimination as a single mother. I’m often seen as less capable of fulfilling the job requirements. Unwed mothers don’t really get treated the same way as other mothers too. We don’t get Baby Bonus and things like that. Even under government policies and laws, I can’t apply for a BTO (Built-To-Order) until I am 35 years old (under the Single Singapore Citizen Scheme ) because my sons and I are not considered a “family nucleus”. Even though their birth certificates say that I am their mother, to them (the state), they are “illegitimate”. To me, it’s like the government is telling us that our children do not actually belong to us. Although this is quite cruel and sad, I just do my best for my boys.

I have a long-term goal, that is to buy a 3-room flat when I turn 35 years old. For now, I am working towards moving into a bigger rental flat. I’m reaching the 2-year term at my current rental and will be eligible to upgrade to a 2-room rental flat soon. That way, both my sons can live together with me. Another goal I have is to eventually get a certificate in early childhood education and work in the childcare sector because I do love children. It’s a little difficult now because of full-time studies and work while caring for the boys is hard. I have to wait for the right opportunity.

For now, I still live day to day, pay-check to pay-check, and do what I can for us to get by. My kids and my goals for them are what keep me going. Whether they want to further their studies or find a job or whatever they eventually wish to pursue, I am just trying my best to do and earn that little extra for them and their future.

To those out there who are in a similar situation as me. I want you to know that our circumstances do not define who we are. We are just mothers, parents, and people, just like anyone else. Just look forward and keep going. Tough times do not last.

Disclaimer: The story of Emily* was completed on 18th August 2019. The information provided was accurate at the time of writing on 18th August 2019

*Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals

Sometimes “community” can seem like a big word, but building it starts with the smallest of actions.

“If you talk about community within the neighbourhood. We may not have a strong one. Because yet we cant blame anyone, because that is what life is like in the city. Time is all committed to work. Even when we enter the lift, we stand next to each other be we are just staring at our phones. Sometimes, all it takes is to just look up and smile – the day already starts better. But it takes two to build relationships. We have to let others know that they can count on us if they ever need help. Knowing that others think of you and look out for you will really give you that sense of belonging. It’s the first step to building a community.”

– Wendy

“I’ve been living here here for about 2 years. For a long time, I had no idea who my neighbours were. It was just like going to a hotel – just checking in and checking out every day. But after you meet face to face, things feel different. It’s as if we already know each other so much more. It finally started to feel like I had neighbours and that I was’t alone after all.”
– Jasmin

“Most people nowadays like privacy. We live in high-rise buildings just a door away from each other but we prefer to just be left alone. I think we forget that at the end of the day, the thing that builds the neighbourhood is the people.”
– Aizuddin

In this increasingly fast-paced society it is easy to forget that we are surrounded by people, who like us, appreciate simple friendly gestures, being treated with kindness that will better our daily lives. Building relationships goes a long way, and for the residents of Boulevard Residence, it is a necessary step for the creation of a sense of belonging among themselves. With a small effort from each of the residents, they came together to begin a community, to make their homes a better place to live in, and ultimately, to care for the people who are in the closest physical proximity to them in their everyday lives.

Growing up, everything was quite normal, though my family moved around a lot. But things started to get messy in my teenage years. Nearing my N-Level, my dad had just been released from prison after 2 and a half years, and my parents filed for a divorce which I didn’t know about. On the morning of my N-Level maths paper, my dad simply told me the divorce was official. Later, I came home and found out that my dad bought a one-way ticket for my mom and sister back to Thailand (my mom was Thai). I struggled to get along with my father after that; it was like two strangers trying to live together. Even though my mother and sister did return eventually, it was a really confusing and lonely period for me. At the age of 22, I was sexually assaulted when I was out with a friend, and shortly after, I became pregnant - that’s how I ended up with my first son, Kyle. I was afraid to tell my mom the truth, I thought perhaps, she wouldn’t believe me so I just told her the child was my ex-boyfriend’s. She bought this lie to this day. Though our relationship is very strained, she does dote on Kyle and cares for him. A while later, I entered a serious relationship and became pregnant again. But 6 months into the pregnancy, my boyfriend decided he didn’t want a child and gave me an ultimatum: either I harm myself to cause a miscarriage (since it was too late for an abortion) or to get out of his life. When I chose my son and said I would leave, he started to physically abuse me. That’s when I ran away. I didn’t really have anywhere to go, so I just fled to East Coast Park because I thought he wouldn’t be able to find me there. I stayed there for almost 3 weeks. I would just eat leftover scraps from BBQ pits or ask for some food from those who were there eating. It was my lowest point, but I just did what I had to do to survive. When you need to survive, you don’t see the shame in it anymore. Finally, a friend found out about my situation and put me up at an empty property he owed for a while and even helped me get a job at Shaw cinema doing customer service. Since then, I’ve slowly worked my way up. I am now a 27-year-old. I still work shifts at Shaw cinema and live in a 1-room rental flat at Sumang Walk with my younger son, Kieran, while Kyle lives with my mother. Kyle only stays with me once in a while due to space constraints. On good months, if all goes well, I make just enough to cover our monthly expenditures. But on bad months when my children fall sick, the struggles become overwhelming. I do get some assistance from certain organizations like the Social Service Office. For example, my flat rental and Kieran’s childcare fees are subsidized. But it can still be quite difficult. On average, I earn about $600 a month before CPF (Central Provident Fund) contributions; my hourly pay is $6. Sometimes, I try to work more shifts but I still need to rest and take care of my kids. Each month, I have to set aside about $100 for bills, and $250 or so for groceries which includes diapers and milk for Kieran. There is never extra for any future planning to be done. Sometimes, I face quite a bit of discrimination as a single mother. I’m often seen as less capable of fulfilling the job requirements. Unwed mothers don’t really get treated the same way as other mothers too. We don’t get Baby Bonus and things like that. Even under government policies and laws, I can’t apply for a BTO (Built-To-Order) until I am 35 years old (under the Single Singapore Citizen Scheme ) because my sons and I are not considered a “family nucleus”. Even though their birth certificates say that I am their mother, to them (the state), they are “illegitimate”. To me, it’s like the government is telling us that our children do not actually belong to us. Although this is quite cruel and sad, I just do my best for my boys. I have a long-term goal, that is to buy a 3-room flat when I turn 35 years old. For now, I am working towards moving into a bigger rental flat. I’m reaching the 2-year term at my current rental and will be eligible to upgrade to a 2-room rental flat soon. That way, both my sons can live together with me. Another goal I have is to eventually get a certificate in early childhood education and work in the childcare sector because I do love children. It’s a little difficult now because of full-time studies and work while caring for the boys is hard. I have to wait for the right opportunity. For now, I still live day to day, pay-check to pay-check, and do what I can for us to get by. My kids and my goals for them are what keep me going. Whether they want to further their studies or find a job or whatever they eventually wish to pursue, I am just trying my best to do and earn that little extra for them and their future. To those out there who are in a similar situation as me. I want you to know that our circumstances do not define who we are. We are just mothers, parents, and people, just like anyone else. Just look forward and keep going. Tough times do not last. Disclaimer: The story of Emily* was completed on 18th August 2019. The information provided was accurate at the time of writing on 18th August 2019 *Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals

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