Ivy Hee

Self-Love is Vulnerable

I was deeply eaten by my own thoughts and my emotion. Till I realize self-blaming is so unproductive.

I'm 24. In the age of 22, I lost my motivation on everything, although it may sounds ridiculous as it’s said by a youngster. But ever since so, I started ranting endlessly, and i started to self-blame on almost everything that could be think of, constantly thinking I'm just not good enough.

I am not acting in the way that everyone expect me to be. I became less fun when we’re in nights out; I only love to spend time with people that I’m close with. I found myself are not as extroverted as I used to be when I’m meeting a new group of friends. I have problem in confronting people, because I felt like I’ve lost the ability to speak for myself to let people understand me, because I don’t understand myself either.

My emotional unstable just made everything seems way so different than before, I used to have a strong knit with my family especially my mom, but I felt way better when I spend my time being alone. I used to love to hang around with some of the close friend, but I always find reason to push all the dates. Till then I found out i dropped my courage and self-love in the midst of pleasing everyone to be the one people expect me to be. Pulling through emotional unstable is hard, so hard, I still don’t handle it well sometimes.  

Till I felt that I nearly dropped myself into the pole of depression, I decided to flush out the unneeded social circle, I started to say no to unwanted night out, I stopped excessive drinking session on the weekend nights, I forced myself to pick up books again because I got better understanding of my mind through words.
I constantly think Self-Love doesn’t get recognise enough as people don’t value it well enough.
We are thought to be strong, thought to be kind, thought to be generous, thought to be keeping ourselves motivated. But we are not thought to be strong enough to love ourselves and be ourselves. I think we learn to protect ourselves better as we grow, we try our best to please others, we are so afraid of letting people down.

We worried about we do not meet the expectation of others.

But in fact, everyone have their own timeline and their own way to shine on, so it’s totally to be ok to love yourself more, to love all the decision you’ve made and to strong enough to embrace all the mistake that’ve made. Because it’s ok to be wrong, it’s ok to disappoint others. It’s ok to be on your own pace, because at the end of the days everything that comes around is deeply rooted on how much you love yourself.
Ivy Hee