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Be true to yourself, you don't need an audience.

When I felt true love for the first time in my life. That true love did not come from family. It came from a stranger who changed everything when I was about to give up on life. He made me live again and didn’t give up on me and made me a better person till today.

He’s now my husband. But it takes a lot. I went through a lot when I was young. To summarise, I tried to be the best for my mum as her child to impress her. I have given my life when she arranged my marriage when I was 17. My ex-husband was 35 at that time but it didn’t work at all. I thought that I was doing it all for the sake of my mum, to make her happy. The marriage didn’t last. But I have a son. I tried to do right but I needed support. You know, when you love a person, all you want to do is impress that person. It can never be enough. And then in the end, you forgot to love yourself. And when you forget to love yourself… Where is that true love? True love is supposed to be two-way and genuine. I realised that as a mother, she has a reason for that because she has to share her love with three children. Then I was blessed to be a mum and I raised my son all by myself and struggled in life. My mum then told me that she probably chose the wrong one for me and arranged me another marriage. I wasn’t sincere for that. I asked her what made her think that I have to find a husband then my life will be better. But my mum said to do it for my son. So now the reason was different, it was to do it for my son. First it was for my mum. So I did. There wasn’t any love when I got married. The feeling was worse than the first even though he was so nice. There wasn’t anything wrong with him, he gave more than he was supposed to as a husband. But I can’t fall in love, I can’t find that genuinity, I can’t be a better person. I can’t perform and be a better mum.

What was the best of me then? Even when I try to be the best wife for my husband, I can’t be the best. Because it doesn’t come from my heart, there’s no sincerity. I work so much, I still can’t be happy. I tried to find my freedom, do things I like. But every story has a reason. There’s a reason for every person who comes into your life. There are so many things that I went through. I finally asked for my freedom and I got it. I told him that there was nothing wrong with him and that he was a better husband than my ex but I felt that I can’t be a better person. I don’t know why I keep doing things for people, why do I keep wanting to impress the people who I love. But it doesn’t come from my heart and I don’t know why I can’t find my happiness.

Finally I found someone, after all I went through, who was the opposite of me, living so far from me. He lives in Kashmir, North India. We became friends through a friend, through the internet. Then we got together. He inspired me so much. My first husband was 14 years older than me, my second husband was 7 years older and my first love, my current husband - the person whom I love and who changed me, is 7 years younger than me. When we met, there was never an intention to get married again because I went through two and it’s embarrassing to keep going through this. But we were friends and I was in my worst state. I was very fat. I was 30kg more than what I weigh now. And when we met… he was the opposite of me. He has everything in his life, he’s living his fullest and I was living like nothing. When he saw me, he asked me why do I not love myself. And I asked him what he meant. And he told me to look at myself. Look at how I am and how I was before. It’s like I purposely put on weight because I was hating myself and it’s like I just gave up in life because I’ve never been happy and I never found the right love. My mum just married me off, made it an easy way out and never asked what made me happy. He told me that if I want to find love, I have to start loving myself. Loving myself not in the way by being arrogant but in a way by being sincere. He changed me a lot and was my inspiration. I would never imagine where I am today if it’s not for his support. I lost 25kg in 3 months. I worked a lot and took care of my diet and everything. It’s all about understanding and being sincere in life, in everything you do.

If I became the best of me, it’s because I found the right husband. And I married the one that I truly love, it was my choice. Although we’re far apart, since I have to stay committed to my work in Singapore, we have to sacrifice. We have a dream that we’re building together and it’s a matter of time, Insyallah, that we’ll be living together. The point is if I became the best of me, it’s because I found what’s best in me, found someone that could see that.

You need a mirror to recognise that and I found the right mirror that guided me through. You need that strength in life and I found my soul mate after so much hurdles and finally found someone that light up your life and make you who you are. And I started to do things that I never though I would. I challenged myself more. Imagine with my age, and I love someone/having someone who’s 7 years younger than me. His spirit, his strength of his spirit had influenced me. I lost my teenage life. At 17, I was married and at 21 I became a mother, so there wasn’t a time in my life where I was free or given the freedom or the time to love myself or to ask myself what I want in life. I was never given that chance. But when I found a husband that supported me through this life, shower me with the right love, I have nothing to complain anymore in my life.

You’ll go through a lot and then you’ll understand why it failed the first time and why it failed the second time. As a Muslim, all these are tests and you learn from your mistakes and don’t repeat it again. And you deserve what you deserve. And when I look back to what I’ve been through, and where I am today, I feel it’s worth it. For what You (God) reward me today, I can go through anything. Because I got the right support, and it made me a better person.

Be true to yourself, you don’t need an audience. As a person, we keep trying to impress but that’s not who we are. As a human, we can never be satisfied in life, we always want more. But if you’re true to yourself, no matter which part you are in the world, around you, people will accept you truly. There’s nothing you’re faking or hiding. It can be painful but it’s the truth. But you will stay happy. Once you’re happy on the inside, you’re happy on the outside.

Don’t be afraid of what is in your heart. Love yourself and be truthful to whoever that is around you. Don’t impress. Live truthfully. If you’re hurt, say it out that it hurts you. If it makes you happy, appreciate and say that it makes you happy. It’s all back to your inner soul. What’s best of you have been hidden inside of you. It hasn’t been portrayed because you’re being caged. You can never be the best of you if you cage yourself and you’re trying to be someone who impresses others. That’s not who you are, how can that last? Best of you comes from you, not from what others see you as. And what you are, be truthful to yourself and know what you can do best and portray that. And if it inspires others, it’s because it comes from your heart and it goes through another person’s heart. Sincerity in life and to never be afraid. You don’t need any target audience and just be yourself.
Rafeeda